you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
