he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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