It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
