I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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