It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Blood and glitter go together right?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
