she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
