i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
