I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
