my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
