Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
