I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
