you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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