marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
