your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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