I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
