I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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