make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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