We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
