Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
