I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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