if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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