Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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