The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I skipped work to stalk him.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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