yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
