my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
