Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Why did my mother make you get naked?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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