I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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