that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
