Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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