Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
