Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
