i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
bring money and cleavage
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
