Please, let me fuck your mom
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
