pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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