I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
