He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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