This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
