I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
