When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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