Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
