i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
