I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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