Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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