I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
