My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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