"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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