best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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