Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
