can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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