I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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