hell yes lets make some ravioli
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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