well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
