how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
