remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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